How You Doin’ Blondie?


A Near-Chuck Experience

My brother and his fellow Jarheads fucking love Chuck Norris. When he visited their base camp back in March, they all went positively apeshit. This past Saturday, my brother told me that there’s rumors circulating that Chuck Norris is going to be coming back in August. I think he almost wet his pants.

It’s difficult to see, but Chuck Norris is the one in the center, directly below the Marine with his arms in the air-

My brother is the one directly to the left of Chuck, clenching his fists. He explained that day to me as, “The best day of my fucking life. It’ll even be better then the birth of my firstborn.”

My brother also said that when Chuck Norris came, they showed him the “shrine” they’d built in his honor, complete with photos and Chuck Norris “Facts”:

Apparently, Norris literally laughed out loud when he read them. My personal favorites are as follows:

  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • There is no “ctrl” button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
  • Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ass.
  • Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
  • Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
  • Death once had a near-Chuck experience.
  • Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  • Chuck Norris does not know where you live. But he knows where you will die.
  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
  • Because “hunting” implies the possibility of failure, Chuck Norris goes “killing”.

And the one that I actually repeat in conversations with people:

“Chuck Norris knows that violence is not the answer. He gets it wrong on purpose.”

 

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The Other Half Of My Heart Is In Iraq
May 20, 2008, 11:23 pm
Filed under: Family, Honor, Life, love, USMC | Tags: , , , ,

So my brother gets on the phone with me tonight, and we’re in the middle of discussing the Philadelphia Flyers when I hear one of my brother’s friends, Jason, shriek in the background, “Ask her if she’ll autograph my cast!” Then I heard something crashing and what sounded like a young Marine making a very hasty exit. I asked my brother what Jason was talking about and he tried to be evasive, but eventually I got the whole story out:

 Apparently, my brother and a few of his fellow soldiers were watching an Ultimate Fighting Championship DVD and one of the guys recognized me as the ring card girl. According to my brother, Jason made an offensive remark that my brother refused to repeat, but said that it involved my breasts and a sex act…anyway, after Jason made the remark, my brother dove on top of him and proceeded to engage in hand-to-hand combat. Jason now has a broken wrist and is missing a tooth. 

That’s my little brother, bad ass to the bone. And always faithful, of course.

 



Update From The Battlefront
April 18, 2008, 11:45 pm
Filed under: Demotivational Posters, Family, fun, Humor, Pictures, USMC | Tags: , , ,

More from Sergeant Hell-in-a-Helmet and his merry 2nd Battalion

 …decidedly pre-deployment.