How You Doin’ Blondie?


Blue Steel
June 3, 2008, 10:42 pm
Filed under: Humor, Images, Life, Loves, Pets | Tags: , , , ,

“There’s got to be more to life then just being really, really, ridiculously good looking.”

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Death Wish VI
June 2, 2008, 3:24 pm
Filed under: Humor, Images, Life, Teenagers | Tags: , , ,

I was sitting on my front porch reading a book, and I guess the high school let out early or something because I see walking down the sidewalk a group of about 10 teenage boys. Well actually, I heard them before I saw them. They were posturing like teenage boys do, so before they were even in my line of sight I could hear, “What the FUCK man – FUCK YOU – She’s FUCKING hot,” and so on and so forth.

It was like watching an exhibit at the zoo or something.

When they made it to the sidewalk directly across the street, I watched them start to rough house. One boy pushed another one so violently he went flying like 20 yards to the left into someone’s flower garden. Instinctively identifying an opportunity to be violent, two other boys in the group stomped their way into the flower garden with the obvious intention of giving their friend a good natured pummeling. Then, out of nowhere, I hear, “HEY, GET OUT OF MY GARDEN.” I look down the street and there’s this short, fat, white lady almost working herself up into a annuerism over the kids in her garden. Well the boys disinterestedly roused themselves from the garden, and in keeping with their general attitude, one them must of muttered something rude as they were retreating. Next thing I know, this tiny little Keebler elf bellows, “WHAT did you just say?” To which one of the boys in the group responded,  “It’s just a fucking flower garden lady…” The woman attempted to respond, but the group effectively drownerd her out with a chorus of, “Fuck YOU lady, blah blah blah.”

Now here’s the thing: first of all, her flowers weren’t that badly damaged. I mean, it’s not like they went in there with a backhoe for crying out loud. Additionally, they didn’t enter her flower garden with the explicit intention of defacing her property – they were just being rowdy, oblivious teenage boys. The problem I have is with their attitude. Whatever happened to respecting your fucking elders? Yeah, the lady might’ve been crabby, but who the fuck did those kids think they were talking back to her like that? If my dad had ever heard either of us kids ever address an adult like that, we wouldn’t have sat down for a week, easily. I’m sick of this insolent attitude from kids today, this idea that they know everything and fuck anybody over the age of 17. I’m sick of parents who throw up their hands and say, “Jimmy is just too out of control, I don’t know what to do!” Kick Jimmy’s ass, that’s what you do. Tell Jimmy that if he pulls some shit like that again, your foot will be so far up his ass he’ll be able to taste it. And if he does it again, make good on your promise.

Because I’ll tell you what, when I reach the age where teenage boys stop thinking I’m hot, I’m going to wind up putting up with their garden-trampling bullshit too, and I’m not as forgiving as most. Picture: Charles Bronson for the female set.



LOLDogs
May 31, 2008, 11:07 pm
Filed under: Family, Humor, Images, Life, love, Pets, relationships | Tags: , , , , , ,

My brother and I were never any good at communicating our feelings for one another, so the bonds that we’ve formed over the years have always been of the decidedly silent variety.

One of the bonds we share is Cody. The day I went to go “adopt” Cody, my brother happened to be up visiting me. He drove with me out to Levittown, and he was the one that held Cody in the backseat during the drive home.

Sometimes when my brother calls, he’ll be in the middle of a story, or just about to tell me something, and he’ll just stop. When he stops, I know what’s happened, I know that’s he just depleted his bullshit source – he’s just run out of the energy to be Sargent Smile. So when he stops like that I always say, “Well Cody did the funniest thing today…” or “When Cody and I went for a walk today…” and I can hear the smile and the sigh of relief in his voice when he says, “Ok, tell me about it.”

To be honest, sometimes I’ve made up stories, or recycled old ones – because the fact of the matter is, Cody is not that interesting. If Cody were a human, I imagine that he would be a middle-aged, slightly balding white guy with a beer gut who sits in his favorite recliner all day watching the 24-hr sports network. Lassie he is not.

But Cody’s exploits aren’t what’s important, it’s what they represent. To my brother, they’re like a safety blanket. To my brother, Cody represents something that he’s seen, touched, felt, and loved, that won’t be complicated by war. To my brother, Cody represents something that is incapable of being tainted by the nightmares that he has, or the nightmares that he lives.

Also, when I talk about Cody, it prevents my brother from having to get Lifetime Network-ish within earshot of his comrades.

So for my brother’s upcoming birthday, I got the idea that I would take a cute little photo of Cody and me and make a birthday card out if it.

My idea reached catastrophic levels of failure.

My exuberance level is at, like, a 10. His is at about a 4.

He’s just not that into me.



A Near-Chuck Experience

My brother and his fellow Jarheads fucking love Chuck Norris. When he visited their base camp back in March, they all went positively apeshit. This past Saturday, my brother told me that there’s rumors circulating that Chuck Norris is going to be coming back in August. I think he almost wet his pants.

It’s difficult to see, but Chuck Norris is the one in the center, directly below the Marine with his arms in the air-

My brother is the one directly to the left of Chuck, clenching his fists. He explained that day to me as, “The best day of my fucking life. It’ll even be better then the birth of my firstborn.”

My brother also said that when Chuck Norris came, they showed him the “shrine” they’d built in his honor, complete with photos and Chuck Norris “Facts”:

Apparently, Norris literally laughed out loud when he read them. My personal favorites are as follows:

  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • There is no “ctrl” button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
  • Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ass.
  • Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
  • Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
  • Death once had a near-Chuck experience.
  • Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  • Chuck Norris does not know where you live. But he knows where you will die.
  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
  • Because “hunting” implies the possibility of failure, Chuck Norris goes “killing”.

And the one that I actually repeat in conversations with people:

“Chuck Norris knows that violence is not the answer. He gets it wrong on purpose.”