How You Doin’ Blondie?

Sweetheart, Bitterheart, Now I Can Tell You Apart
October 27, 2007, 1:49 pm
Filed under: Life, love, Men, relationships, sex, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I remember sunbathing on the beach once, and the man I was with casually remarked that when he was a teenager, he never, in his wildest dreams could have imagined that he would ever be this successful. I remember making some vague comment in agreement and then rolling over onto my stomach. He then launched into this windy narrative about his long climb to the top [they always do] and I remember my mind wandering back to my teenage vision of the future. I remember my ultimate goal was to become a teacher, specifically so I could be home at a reasonable hour to have dinner on the table when my husband came home; and so that I could have 3 months off in the summer to spend with my 4 beautiful sons. It wasn’t until that moment, on that beach in Greece, that I realized that I had officially abandoned that idea.

I remember I became depressed at how delusional I was, how hopelessly naive my teenage dreams had been. I remember feeling so incredibly sad that I couldn’t physically move. I remember being a little scared at how suddenly the emotions came and how deeply affected I was by them. I knew my reaction to a simple little observation was irrational, but I just couldn’t shake the sheer and inexpressible sadness I felt. But I kept a sunny front and after a few days I was able to pretty much forget about it; eventually I was able to dismiss the incident altogether as too much sun and too much sangria.

But the other day I was organizing my receipts from my appointments with Dr. J, and I realized that I started seeing him about three weeks after I returned from that vacation to the beach.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that on that beach in Greece, I inadvertently discovered something. I think that it was at that moment, on that beach in Greece, that I first realized there was just something wrong, something big and looming that was just wrong,  just seriously, fundamentally wrong.