How You Doin’ Blondie?


MIA
July 30, 2008, 5:45 pm
Filed under: Life

I’ve been gone for a while, mostly for reasons I don’t entirely understand…and since I don’t like discussing feelings, I didn’t take the time to examine those reasons any further. I’ll try to get back in the saddle. If you want, you can check out the little project I picked up on the side:

Ride Lust.com

And thanks, everybody, for wondering where the hell I was.



This Is Why…
July 7, 2008, 10:45 pm
Filed under: Fail, Life, New Jersey | Tags: , ,

…regardless of your political affiliation, you should always be Pro-Choice.

Hell, I miss Virginia.



In Possibly Related News…Part Deux
June 30, 2008, 9:38 pm
Filed under: Coping, Humor, Life, love | Tags: , , ,

I didn’t realize tattoo’s required a certain amount of reconnaissance. The first place I walked into today looked like the exercise yard at San Quentin.

NEXT.

The second place I walked into was being ruled by a short brunette with a Monroe piercing and a sleeve full of ink. The door had barely shut behind me before she barked, “We just opened, we’re not ready for customers.” I looked her dead in the eye and said, “You’re hard ass routine just lost you a sale,” and I walked right back out.

NEXT.

Third time’s the charm. Found a shop over on South Street in Old City, run by a group of guys who collectively strongly resemble My Chemical Romance. Their portfolio is pretty impressive, and they were incredibly genuine and friendly.

I have an appointment to go back tomorrow at 2 and do the deed.

I seriously have not been this excited since I won the bid for a new transmission switch for the Volvo on eBay Motors for like two thousand less than an OEM. Yeah. THAT excited.



In Possibly Related News…
June 29, 2008, 9:35 pm
Filed under: Humor, Latin, Life, Tattoo | Tags: , , ,

First tattoo tomorrow; the Latin word “Durus” down my spine – LA Gangster font.

I believe this officially makes me a tough guy.

I will be posting pictures.

durus
um| durior -or -us| durissimus -a -um ADJ
hardened| strong| enduring; resolute| durable|


Get Nasty

You know that old show, Touched By An Angel, with Della Reese and that woman that played Dr.Quinn Medicine woman? My favorite part was when the angel “revealed” themselves and there would be this soft yellow light falling on their shoulders and they’d say in this gentle, Dr.Phil-right-before-he-donkey-punches-you voice, “I, am an angel.”

Well The Nasty Boys of The Nasty Boys Sports Blog tagged me, and the whole experience reminded me (for whatever fucking WEIRD reason) of being touched by an angel, only a different kind of angel…the kind of angel that paints letters on his naked chest at home football games…the kind of angel that stands vigilant beside you at every pre-game party, just in case you need help with that keg stand…

But I digress.

The Nasty Boys tagged me in keeping (loosely) with the rules of a challenge issued to write ones own life memoir in six words. The complete rules of this challenge are as follows:

  1. Write your own six word memoir
  2. Post it in your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.
  3. Link to the person who tagged you in their post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere.
  4. Tag 5 more blogs with links.
  5. Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.

As for my contribution – a picture’s worth a thousand…right? My six words of genius are as follows:

 Truth be told, I would have used this as my memoir even if it hadn’t met the six-word requirement.

 

You’re turn:



Memo:
June 25, 2008, 5:44 pm
Filed under: Humor, Life | Tags: ,



Remember “Growing Pains”…
June 23, 2008, 2:09 pm
Filed under: Humor, Life | Tags: ,

…that late 80’s/early 90’s sitcom about The Seavers? This guy reminds me of Ben Seaver [Jeremy Miller] when he got older and started sporting glasses and a shag haircut.

And yes, that is the only thing that this makes me think of, and yes, I have been told I watch too much television.



The quickest way to a man’s heart…
June 23, 2008, 2:05 pm
Filed under: dating, Humor, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , , ,

…is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

But that won’t be necessary; I’m not particularly upset that he didn’t call.

Right.



Analyze This
June 15, 2008, 10:23 pm
Filed under: advice, dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , , ,

Mark and I went out on our third date on Friday night. At least, I think it was a date. Regardless, we spent time with each other for the third time since he made that first clear move by asking me for my phone number. So for all intents and purposes, it was a date. Although I think it was also one of those “tests” guys administer, like the “See if My Boys Like Her” test.

We spent the evening bar-hopping with the two men Mark has been friends with since childhood, and then we went for a drunken, late-night swim in one of said childhood friends’ pool. I’m pretty sure everything went well. I mean I was “one of the boys” in high school, I know how they think, it’s not hard to fit in with them. Add to that the fact that Mark’s friends’ are pretty cool guys, and I’m pretty sure everything went well.

So what I am obsessing over? Why, I’m so glad you asked.

At the end of the night Mark and I went back to his house, and we did what most inebriated, physically compatible people do. Still no home-runs, but definitely a solid triple.

Well actually, only one of us got to third base…the other one of us has only made it to first.

One of us was pleasured orally, for a long time.

After one of us came from said pleasure, one of us tried to return the favor, but was politely rebuffed with an, “I like to take things slow, it’s a trust issue. I just want to hold you right now.”

Guess who got politely rebuffed, folks?

Yes, that’s right, it was me, I was the one…I’ll give you a second to digest that.

Now do you see what I’m obsessing over? Never in my life have I had a man turn down a blow job…at least not without a hand job to stand in it’s place. Mark wanted NOTHING. He REALLY DID just hold me and gently kiss my face until we fell asleep.

So ever since Friday night, I’ve been obsessing over that incident. Did I do something wrong? Why didn’t he want me to touch him? He was completely naked, just like me, and the lights were out (which is another thing – I couldn’t see a mother fucking thing. I usually leave the lights on, but he turned every single damn one of them off), so what possible insecurity could there be left?

He can’t POSSIBLY be concerned about penis size, does he REALLY think I’m expecting Magic Johnson?

But if he’s not insecure, what is it? He certainly isn’t conservative…holy shit, or is he? He told me he was incredibly “Straight Edge” in high school – but we’ve never discussed anything like religion or faith. He swears, and he drinks, so how overtly moral can he be?

I can’t help but think, though, that I’ve done something wrong. We went out on Friday night, and I haven’t heard from him since. That fact in itself doesn’t necessarily alarm me, it was Father’s Day weekend, I do know he had plans to go to the shore. But there is a tiny part of me that is slightly concerned I’ve scared him off, or intimidated him in some way. He seemed just fine Saturday morning, but still…

Seriously guys, I need some input on this one. PLEASE.

 



Number of the Beast
June 10, 2008, 7:38 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

So he says to me, “Give me a call and maybe we can hang out this week, cook some steaks, have a few beers.”

So I called. Got the voicemail.

Of course.

I really get tired of waiting by the phone.



I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening…
June 7, 2008, 9:57 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, Pain, relationships | Tags: , , , , ,

…but this wasn’t it.

I am sorely tempted to just call Mark and cancel.

My heart is just not that into it.

The truth is, I’m angry.

I’m angry at myself, for the situations I put myself in.

I’m angry at the way I allow myself to be treated.

I’m angry that even cockroaches can have kids, yet I sit here with no children, no mate, my only company an aging, insolent, overweight dog.

I am angry that I always seem to find the greatest joys in my life a day late and a dollar mother fucking short.

I’m just angry.



To The Dogs [Update 8:57 PM Eastern Standard Time]
June 7, 2008, 8:57 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

Well, it wasn’t a phone call, it was a text, but it’ll do.

To be frank, I think he was probably under the assumption I was out of his league. There is a very real possibility he was scared shitless at the thought of calling me.

I can deal with that. As long as I got a date [sort of] out of the deal.

But now I have another problem,

what the fuck am I going to wear?



To The Dogs [Updated 5:10 PM Eastern Standard Time]
June 7, 2008, 5:10 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

 

 

He did not call.

 

 



To The Dogs [Updated 1:34 PM Eastern Standard Time]
June 7, 2008, 1:34 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

Still no call from Mark.

He specifically suggested we get together Saturday afternoon.

Is 1:30 pm not “afternoon”?

Was I supposed to call him, maybe?



To The Dogs
June 7, 2008, 9:45 am
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

I met a guy a couple nights ago, while I was out walking Cody.

Well, actually, I’d met him twice before, but he hadn’t made a “move” until this most recent encounter.

The first time I met him I actually walked away from the experience thinking he must be gay, since I didn’t catch him looking at my tits even once.

Apparently, I was wrong.

A couple nights ago when we ran into each other, he walked me back to my house, asked me for my phone number, and suggested on Saturday we take the dogs over to Freedom Park, a dog run in a neighboring town. He said he’d give me a call to firm up plans.

I had assumed he’d probably call Friday night, but he didn’t. Now it’s Saturday morning, and I’m lying in bed next the phone wondering how this is going to play out.

I’ve given my number to guys before and they’ve never called, but that comes with the territory. Most men just want the number so that later on, when they’re out with their friends, if they can’t point to me and say, “I banged her”, they can at least point and say, “She gave me her number.”

But this guy, Mark, he seems different.

Fuck. I hate feeling like a pathetic loser, waiting by the phone.



Lonely Are The Brave

I was in my car today when I heard the opening chords for the Eagles’ “Desperado” playing on the radio. It’s always been one of my favorite songs, primarily because I so closely identify with the sentiment (even more so, lately).

So I turned up the volume and started to sing along, and by the time I got to the last verse, my eyes were watery and I felt a little bit sick to my stomach (a symptom indicitive of sadness, for me).

Then I looked in my review mirror and saw this chiseled guy with a crew cut, behind the wheel of an F-350, also singing along to a song that he obviously felt perfectly illustrated the complexities of his interpersonal relationships.

And that’s when I realized I must’ve looked pretty fucking gay at the stoplight, staring forlornly off into the distance, mournfully crooning, “Your prison is walking through this world all alone. Oh, Desperado…”

Pre-tty fuc-king gay.

 

They obviously do it better.



Blue Steel
June 3, 2008, 10:42 pm
Filed under: Humor, Images, Life, Loves, Pets | Tags: , , , ,

“There’s got to be more to life then just being really, really, ridiculously good looking.”



Death Wish VI
June 2, 2008, 3:24 pm
Filed under: Humor, Images, Life, Teenagers | Tags: , , ,

I was sitting on my front porch reading a book, and I guess the high school let out early or something because I see walking down the sidewalk a group of about 10 teenage boys. Well actually, I heard them before I saw them. They were posturing like teenage boys do, so before they were even in my line of sight I could hear, “What the FUCK man – FUCK YOU – She’s FUCKING hot,” and so on and so forth.

It was like watching an exhibit at the zoo or something.

When they made it to the sidewalk directly across the street, I watched them start to rough house. One boy pushed another one so violently he went flying like 20 yards to the left into someone’s flower garden. Instinctively identifying an opportunity to be violent, two other boys in the group stomped their way into the flower garden with the obvious intention of giving their friend a good natured pummeling. Then, out of nowhere, I hear, “HEY, GET OUT OF MY GARDEN.” I look down the street and there’s this short, fat, white lady almost working herself up into a annuerism over the kids in her garden. Well the boys disinterestedly roused themselves from the garden, and in keeping with their general attitude, one them must of muttered something rude as they were retreating. Next thing I know, this tiny little Keebler elf bellows, “WHAT did you just say?” To which one of the boys in the group responded,  “It’s just a fucking flower garden lady…” The woman attempted to respond, but the group effectively drownerd her out with a chorus of, “Fuck YOU lady, blah blah blah.”

Now here’s the thing: first of all, her flowers weren’t that badly damaged. I mean, it’s not like they went in there with a backhoe for crying out loud. Additionally, they didn’t enter her flower garden with the explicit intention of defacing her property – they were just being rowdy, oblivious teenage boys. The problem I have is with their attitude. Whatever happened to respecting your fucking elders? Yeah, the lady might’ve been crabby, but who the fuck did those kids think they were talking back to her like that? If my dad had ever heard either of us kids ever address an adult like that, we wouldn’t have sat down for a week, easily. I’m sick of this insolent attitude from kids today, this idea that they know everything and fuck anybody over the age of 17. I’m sick of parents who throw up their hands and say, “Jimmy is just too out of control, I don’t know what to do!” Kick Jimmy’s ass, that’s what you do. Tell Jimmy that if he pulls some shit like that again, your foot will be so far up his ass he’ll be able to taste it. And if he does it again, make good on your promise.

Because I’ll tell you what, when I reach the age where teenage boys stop thinking I’m hot, I’m going to wind up putting up with their garden-trampling bullshit too, and I’m not as forgiving as most. Picture: Charles Bronson for the female set.



LOLDogs
May 31, 2008, 11:07 pm
Filed under: Family, Humor, Images, Life, love, Pets, relationships | Tags: , , , , , ,

My brother and I were never any good at communicating our feelings for one another, so the bonds that we’ve formed over the years have always been of the decidedly silent variety.

One of the bonds we share is Cody. The day I went to go “adopt” Cody, my brother happened to be up visiting me. He drove with me out to Levittown, and he was the one that held Cody in the backseat during the drive home.

Sometimes when my brother calls, he’ll be in the middle of a story, or just about to tell me something, and he’ll just stop. When he stops, I know what’s happened, I know that’s he just depleted his bullshit source – he’s just run out of the energy to be Sargent Smile. So when he stops like that I always say, “Well Cody did the funniest thing today…” or “When Cody and I went for a walk today…” and I can hear the smile and the sigh of relief in his voice when he says, “Ok, tell me about it.”

To be honest, sometimes I’ve made up stories, or recycled old ones – because the fact of the matter is, Cody is not that interesting. If Cody were a human, I imagine that he would be a middle-aged, slightly balding white guy with a beer gut who sits in his favorite recliner all day watching the 24-hr sports network. Lassie he is not.

But Cody’s exploits aren’t what’s important, it’s what they represent. To my brother, they’re like a safety blanket. To my brother, Cody represents something that he’s seen, touched, felt, and loved, that won’t be complicated by war. To my brother, Cody represents something that is incapable of being tainted by the nightmares that he has, or the nightmares that he lives.

Also, when I talk about Cody, it prevents my brother from having to get Lifetime Network-ish within earshot of his comrades.

So for my brother’s upcoming birthday, I got the idea that I would take a cute little photo of Cody and me and make a birthday card out if it.

My idea reached catastrophic levels of failure.

My exuberance level is at, like, a 10. His is at about a 4.

He’s just not that into me.



Heart of Darkness
May 30, 2008, 2:38 pm
Filed under: Beauty, Body Image, Life, Random, sex | Tags: , , , ,

I was walking by a construction site today, and as I passed I heard “CLANK,” followed immediately by “Damn!” and “Yeah baby!” and “Mike, check this one out!” and a whole slew of wolf calls.

And you know what? I was embarrassed. I wanted to start running at break-neck speed to get the hell out of there. I envisioned that all the people around me were thinking, “Ew, why are they whistling at her?” I was almost 100% convinced that the construction workers must’ve been making fun of me, like “Carrie” for the working class.

Once I got past the construction site, I had to cut through Rittenhouse Square. As I walked through the concrete courtyard, through the middle of the park, I had to pass through park bench after park bench of businessmen taking their lunch break. As I’d approach a bench I’d listen to the low murmurs of conversation and then as I’d pass by, I’d listen to the conversation stop. Men just literally stopped and stared. And you know what I was thinking? “My face must be all shiny and red from walking, I must look like a mess, sweat must be making my shirt stick to my body, my stomach fat must be jiggling, they must be making fun of me – ‘she think she’s so hot, what a cow’ “.

People assume I must get compliments all the time, I must be up to my EYEBALLS in compliments. They assume my ego must be so inflated, one more compliment and I’ll just burst, like a giant Barbie balloon -and they aren’t about to feed anything else to this conceited monster, so they just stare. Every time I go out with a guy, any type of flattery is always followed by, “But I’m sure you hear that all the time.” Well, then you “sure” would be wrong, sweetheart.

I have my good days, every woman does – those days when you just feel good in your skin, when you feel like the hottest bitch on the block. But usually, when I look in the mirror, I see the overweight, homely, insecure little girl I was in grade school. And when I walk down the street, or past a construction site, or through a park, I feel like everybody else sees that little girl, too.

It’s awkward when pretty people have depth. 



Same Shit Different Day
May 29, 2008, 7:49 pm
Filed under: Humor, Life, love, Men, relationships, sex | Tags: , , , , ,

So S. has made his official return to relevancy in my life.

We ran into each other this morning, I was walking up to the train station to head into the city for the day, and he was driving to work. He stopped and asked me if I wanted a lift and of course I accepted. So the whole ride over we talked about the MOST boring shit in the world (of course) but the whole time I’m thinking “Ask him out, no wait for him to ask you out, drop him some hints, No just ask him out, ASK HIM OUT ASK HIM OUT ASK HIM OUT.” So I screwed up all my courage and said, “So, I see you got a new truck, what happened to the white Hummer?”

Yeah, balls of steel. That’s me.

So anyway, we finally pull up to the front of the station, and I turn to him and say, “Thanks for the lift,” but really all I wanted to do was kiss him. He smelled SO good, and his voice, oh that VOICE. I haven’t spoken to him in so long, anytime we see each other we just wave – so I’d forgotten how yummy that voice is…

I want him so bad it hurts. So what do I do?

On the one hand, we have the fact that he and I have been out together. Once. In October. 2007. And then – nothing. I got like 2 text messages, and then – nothing. He’s had all this time to make a move, and he hasn’t. So he’s obviously not that interested.

Which, to be totally honest, really does upset me. He was so much fun to hang out with, such a down to Earth guy. If only I knew what the fuck I did to turn him off. Sigh. I am NOT a happy camper.



Search Engine Terms Part V
May 29, 2008, 3:49 pm
Filed under: funny, Humor, Life, Random, Search Engine Queries | Tags: , , , ,

“freud trophy”

returned my post “People’d call say ‘Beware doll, you’re bound to fall'”

…I actually think Sigmund would be inclined to agree.



The Bonfire of the Vanities
May 27, 2008, 3:23 pm
Filed under: Life, love, Men, Reality, relationships, sex | Tags: , , , , ,

I went to lunch today with my friends, and I seriously thought it would never end. It was torturous. My friends are all beautiful and successful, but they can’t seem to cultivate a healthy relationship with a decent man to save their lives. Of course, I can’t either, but I know this, I’ve accepted this. They, on the other hand, insist on blaming their failed relationships on male incompetence.

 Well today I finally had it up to here. I decided I was sick and tired of listening to them sit around and complain about being single, and double standards, and how men just don’t understand, and all that “female empowerment” bullshit…So I decided to offer my humble advice and said;

“Look, guess what, ladies? Men are not that complicated. 99.9% of the time, you’re the one who fucks things up. So check this out:

 If you don’t want him to treat you like a slut, don’t sleep with him on the first date.

If you don’t want him to tell you your ass is big, don’t ask how you look in those hot shorts.

If you don’t want him to check out your hot friends, don’t invite us over. Or get uglier friends.

If you don’t want him to cheat on you, find out what the fuck it is he’s not getting from you, and give it to him.

And also, ladies, while I’m at it, those women’s magazines you read? Ditch ’em. Don’t believe the hype – you’re not as great as you think you are.”

Picture, if you will, a turd in the town well. That is how it went over. So fuck them. I like hanging out with the angry old men at my local dive bar more anyway…at least those guys don’t buy me drinks with fucking fruit in them.



Red, White, and Blue Balls

I promise I’ll start talking about sex again soon, I just figure that every once in while I should get off my back and do something for a soldier other then make him cum. 

Today, I’m not asking for money, I’m asking for words. Please click the link below to send a message of support and encouragement to our soldiers, please. Picture me down on my knees begging you to – that’s how important this is, because I don’t get down on my knees for much [insert here the obligatory snarky remark about what I do get down on my knees for].



A Near-Chuck Experience

My brother and his fellow Jarheads fucking love Chuck Norris. When he visited their base camp back in March, they all went positively apeshit. This past Saturday, my brother told me that there’s rumors circulating that Chuck Norris is going to be coming back in August. I think he almost wet his pants.

It’s difficult to see, but Chuck Norris is the one in the center, directly below the Marine with his arms in the air-

My brother is the one directly to the left of Chuck, clenching his fists. He explained that day to me as, “The best day of my fucking life. It’ll even be better then the birth of my firstborn.”

My brother also said that when Chuck Norris came, they showed him the “shrine” they’d built in his honor, complete with photos and Chuck Norris “Facts”:

Apparently, Norris literally laughed out loud when he read them. My personal favorites are as follows:

  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • There is no “ctrl” button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
  • Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ass.
  • Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
  • Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
  • Death once had a near-Chuck experience.
  • Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  • Chuck Norris does not know where you live. But he knows where you will die.
  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
  • Because “hunting” implies the possibility of failure, Chuck Norris goes “killing”.

And the one that I actually repeat in conversations with people:

“Chuck Norris knows that violence is not the answer. He gets it wrong on purpose.”