How You Doin’ Blondie?


The quickest way to a man’s heart…
June 23, 2008, 2:05 pm
Filed under: dating, Humor, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , , ,

…is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

But that won’t be necessary; I’m not particularly upset that he didn’t call.

Right.



Analyze This
June 15, 2008, 10:23 pm
Filed under: advice, dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , , ,

Mark and I went out on our third date on Friday night. At least, I think it was a date. Regardless, we spent time with each other for the third time since he made that first clear move by asking me for my phone number. So for all intents and purposes, it was a date. Although I think it was also one of those “tests” guys administer, like the “See if My Boys Like Her” test.

We spent the evening bar-hopping with the two men Mark has been friends with since childhood, and then we went for a drunken, late-night swim in one of said childhood friends’ pool. I’m pretty sure everything went well. I mean I was “one of the boys” in high school, I know how they think, it’s not hard to fit in with them. Add to that the fact that Mark’s friends’ are pretty cool guys, and I’m pretty sure everything went well.

So what I am obsessing over? Why, I’m so glad you asked.

At the end of the night Mark and I went back to his house, and we did what most inebriated, physically compatible people do. Still no home-runs, but definitely a solid triple.

Well actually, only one of us got to third base…the other one of us has only made it to first.

One of us was pleasured orally, for a long time.

After one of us came from said pleasure, one of us tried to return the favor, but was politely rebuffed with an, “I like to take things slow, it’s a trust issue. I just want to hold you right now.”

Guess who got politely rebuffed, folks?

Yes, that’s right, it was me, I was the one…I’ll give you a second to digest that.

Now do you see what I’m obsessing over? Never in my life have I had a man turn down a blow job…at least not without a hand job to stand in it’s place. Mark wanted NOTHING. He REALLY DID just hold me and gently kiss my face until we fell asleep.

So ever since Friday night, I’ve been obsessing over that incident. Did I do something wrong? Why didn’t he want me to touch him? He was completely naked, just like me, and the lights were out (which is another thing – I couldn’t see a mother fucking thing. I usually leave the lights on, but he turned every single damn one of them off), so what possible insecurity could there be left?

He can’t POSSIBLY be concerned about penis size, does he REALLY think I’m expecting Magic Johnson?

But if he’s not insecure, what is it? He certainly isn’t conservative…holy shit, or is he? He told me he was incredibly “Straight Edge” in high school – but we’ve never discussed anything like religion or faith. He swears, and he drinks, so how overtly moral can he be?

I can’t help but think, though, that I’ve done something wrong. We went out on Friday night, and I haven’t heard from him since. That fact in itself doesn’t necessarily alarm me, it was Father’s Day weekend, I do know he had plans to go to the shore. But there is a tiny part of me that is slightly concerned I’ve scared him off, or intimidated him in some way. He seemed just fine Saturday morning, but still…

Seriously guys, I need some input on this one. PLEASE.

 



Number of the Beast
June 10, 2008, 7:38 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

So he says to me, “Give me a call and maybe we can hang out this week, cook some steaks, have a few beers.”

So I called. Got the voicemail.

Of course.

I really get tired of waiting by the phone.



I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening…
June 7, 2008, 9:57 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, Pain, relationships | Tags: , , , , ,

…but this wasn’t it.

I am sorely tempted to just call Mark and cancel.

My heart is just not that into it.

The truth is, I’m angry.

I’m angry at myself, for the situations I put myself in.

I’m angry at the way I allow myself to be treated.

I’m angry that even cockroaches can have kids, yet I sit here with no children, no mate, my only company an aging, insolent, overweight dog.

I am angry that I always seem to find the greatest joys in my life a day late and a dollar mother fucking short.

I’m just angry.



To The Dogs [Update 8:57 PM Eastern Standard Time]
June 7, 2008, 8:57 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

Well, it wasn’t a phone call, it was a text, but it’ll do.

To be frank, I think he was probably under the assumption I was out of his league. There is a very real possibility he was scared shitless at the thought of calling me.

I can deal with that. As long as I got a date [sort of] out of the deal.

But now I have another problem,

what the fuck am I going to wear?



To The Dogs [Updated 5:10 PM Eastern Standard Time]
June 7, 2008, 5:10 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

 

 

He did not call.

 

 



To The Dogs [Updated 1:34 PM Eastern Standard Time]
June 7, 2008, 1:34 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

Still no call from Mark.

He specifically suggested we get together Saturday afternoon.

Is 1:30 pm not “afternoon”?

Was I supposed to call him, maybe?



To The Dogs
June 7, 2008, 9:45 am
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

I met a guy a couple nights ago, while I was out walking Cody.

Well, actually, I’d met him twice before, but he hadn’t made a “move” until this most recent encounter.

The first time I met him I actually walked away from the experience thinking he must be gay, since I didn’t catch him looking at my tits even once.

Apparently, I was wrong.

A couple nights ago when we ran into each other, he walked me back to my house, asked me for my phone number, and suggested on Saturday we take the dogs over to Freedom Park, a dog run in a neighboring town. He said he’d give me a call to firm up plans.

I had assumed he’d probably call Friday night, but he didn’t. Now it’s Saturday morning, and I’m lying in bed next the phone wondering how this is going to play out.

I’ve given my number to guys before and they’ve never called, but that comes with the territory. Most men just want the number so that later on, when they’re out with their friends, if they can’t point to me and say, “I banged her”, they can at least point and say, “She gave me her number.”

But this guy, Mark, he seems different.

Fuck. I hate feeling like a pathetic loser, waiting by the phone.



Everybody Here

If I’m reading Michael Stipe correctly, I think the idea is that everybody has a burden they feel they have to carry, the trick is getting the fuck over it.

“No one remembers and nobody cares”

Preach it, brother Stipe

 



A Minor Drawback To Having Sex For A Living…
March 16, 2008, 10:32 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, love, lust, Men, Reflections, relationships, sex, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , ,

If I answer a call from an unfamiliar number one more time to hear a breathy male voice say “Hi Suzie, how are YOU doing?” I just might scream. Or become a lesbian. Men are pigs, every last one of them. Nice guys? Fuck that. I used to be a nice girl, and you know what happened to me? Nice guys. Nice guys with soft voices and big hearts who said all the right things.

Fuck Men.



Child’s Play

Sometimes I make up these little stories, these mundane little stories about boring little couples, and I’ll pretend they’re about me. I pretend that I’m one half of one of those little couples, and I pepper all my conversations with “we” or “my boyfriend and I”. If it’s a stranger or someone new that I’m talking to, I really go for the gusto. I make up a whole pretend-life for my companion, complete with two middle names and irksome but adorable personality quirks.

Pretending doesn’t hurt.



Question: Tell me what you think about this

After it’s all said and done, I’ve used them as much as they’ve used me.



You Got To Make That Money, Honey.

Another little fun discovery: the phrase  “assholes ‘men relationships’ ” returns my blog.

Why would you enter those words, in that order, into a search engine? What are you hoping to discover? That you’re not alone? That there are other women who think that the men they are engaged in relationships with believe their partners are assholes too?

Honey, that’s a given.

What you should have entered, instead of “assholes ‘men relationships'”, is “assholes ‘gifts he gives'”. Because all men are assholes, and all men know it. So it’s not about whether or not your man is an ass, it’s whether or not you make him pay for it. If he crushes your soul on a weekly basis and you’re not walking away with a minimum of 10,000 a month in un-taxable income, that relationship just isn’t working, sweetheart.



Familiarity Breeds Contempt
November 21, 2007, 12:24 am
Filed under: dating, Life, love, lust, Men, Reflections, relationships, sex, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , ,

      “And when you were done, you actually felt a little guilty, even you. You looked at her (she looked right back, looked right into your eyes with your cock still inside her, with arms still around your shoulders, looked right into your eyes and shoved her hips forward and when you nearly collapsed because she did that, when your knees nearly gave out because you were so sensitive, she opened her mouth wide and laughed a hard, happy laugh, smiling and snarling all at once, all with her mouth open wide) you looked at her and thought, ‘This girl has a problem. This girl is addicted to sex. This girl likes fucking strange men and if she gets paid for it, so much the better.’ You looked at her and thought, ‘This girl was probably repeatedly molested when she was a child.'”

      “And that time and the last time, after you were done, again the guilt came back, the concern for her. Yes, concern. But then you put your hand on the bone of her hip, saw the curve of her ribs on her side beneath her right breast, saw the back of her knee, and you had to have her again. And every time you reach over to take her again, she laughs that laugh, that cold, hard, satisfied laugh.”

      “When she leaves the next morning, sore, walking carefully, her pussy like a wound, you give her double what you agreed on. You do it because she was good, because she earned it, but also because you wanted to make her life better. Because you do feel sorry for her. But when she takes the money, she is not surprised that you have given her twice what she was supposed to get. She doesn’t even think you’ve made a mistake.”

Kelman, Nic. Girls. 1st ed. Boston: Little Brown, 2003.



If Only My Hand Could Buy Me Nice Things, I’d Give Up Men
October 30, 2007, 9:32 pm
Filed under: dating, games, Life, love, lust, Men, neighbor, Reflections, relationships, sex, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

We ran into each other today, he was running errands on his lunch break and I was heading to class. He stopped and made small talk, asked me if I was going to be selling my car because he saw me taking pictures of it yesterday. Then he said he had a meeting in an hour and really had to get going so he could finish running those errands. That’s what he did do, now here’s what he didn’t do:

He did not ask me out on date.

And the rest of my day was directly affected by it, EVEN AFTER I swore I wouldn’t care. Even as I type this, I’m still upset that I’ve been rejected/dismissed [again] and embarrassed that I keep opening myself up for it. I’m also a little disappointed in myself, because I think the reason he doesn’t want to get involved is because of the type of girl I appear to be. He’s very concerned with his son’s well-being, and I’ve come to the conclusion that he doesn’t want his son to hear people talking about that bimbo on Daddy’s arm.

I’ve come to this conclusion by process of elimination really, because I know that his failure to make a move isn’t that he isn’t attracted to me; that one night we went out together, he definitely tagged second base. He was also very quickly sliding into third but the only thing that got off was my shirt and my bra, and since dry sex doesn’t count, he officially only got to second base.

So I know he’s physically attracted to me. But I don’t think he expects or wants a connection beyond that. To his credit, he tried very hard not to seem incredulous when the conversation turned to my education, but I still felt the disbelief. He seemed uncomfortable talking with me about anything other than my experiences as a cheerleader.

But you know what the biggest red flag should’ve been? While were cuddling on the couch, he said that we were going to have to be “discreet” because he was very concerned with what his son might find out about. I immediately sat up and started putting my shirt back on while saying “Oh, so you’re only looking for a fuck buddy?” And there was a beat of silence, not a big beat, but a beat nonetheless, before he said “No, no, not at all,” and then started talking about how he really wanted to get to know me better.

With any other guy, I would have seen all the warning signs and ended things before they even started, but not with him. He wasn’t arrogant or cocksure, he even admitted to being surprised that I was interested in him at all [which was incredibly flattering], I thought he was different from all the others. I thought I had a shot at a relationship that didn’t involve a Sugar Daddy.

Guess not.



Addendum to a Missive
October 29, 2007, 4:24 pm
Filed under: dating, games, Life, love, Men, relationships, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Of course, after having declared it officially his move, I should probably explain that although this seems like a very rational, healthy, adult thing to do, it isn’t [this is me we’re talking about here, have you learned nothing?] If he isn’t consumed with jealously by the way his friends flirt with me and doesn’t swoop down to claim me, I will will probably crumple like a rag-doll and within the next two weeks be involved in a relationship with a wealthy, arrogant, egotistical, older man.

You know, it’s not just those who are ignorant of the past that are doomed to repeat it…those of us that wrote the book are susceptible too.



This Time I Mean It
October 29, 2007, 4:11 pm
Filed under: dating, games, Life, love, Men, relationships, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , ,

I’ve decided I’m not going to approach him after all. I’m tired of laying the groundwork; creating the perfect set-ups for him to ask me out and then feeling horribly let down when he doesn’t. If he’s really that shy, he needs to grow a pair; if he’s really that dense, we wouldn’t have lasted long anyway. He’s got my phone number, my address, and my obvious interest; the ball is in his court.



Damn That Beach In Greece

Sometimes I can hear a song so clearly in my head that I can actually hear the artist taking a breath on the downbeat. When I found myself staring at S. washing his car and began to feel that familiar, pathetic, need to have a man’s attention, I imagined this song queuing up in the background.

One Two Three Four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless long nights
That is what my youth was for

Old teenage hopes are alive at your door
Left you with nothing but they want some more

Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, You know who you are

Sweetheart bitterheart now I can tell you apart
Cosy and cold, put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up to one little lie

Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can’t buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can’t buy you back the love that you had then

Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, who you are

For the teenage boys
They’re breaking your heart
For the teenage boys
They’re breaking your heart



So Tell Me, Why Can’t This Be Love?
October 28, 2007, 3:33 pm
Filed under: dating, dirty, Life, love, lust, Men, relationships, sex, thoughts | Tags: , , , , ,

Every time I’m out with a man I’m really attracted to, at around 1 o’clock in the morning I get incredibly, insatiably, horny. We could have had a perfectly nice, respectable evening but it doesn’t matter, at 1 o’clock I’m arching my back seductively and pretending I don’t notice the neckline of my shirt creeping lower and lower. At 1 o’clock my tone of voice changes subtly to something darker and sexier. At 1 o’clock I toss my hair and stretch like a cat, causing him to imagine me stretching the same way much later that morning, in his bed, naked. My favorite part is right before they break, when their erection is straining against their zippers and I’m frustrating them to no end because I’m pretending like I don’t notice it. I always smile to myself when the kiss finally comes, because it’s never slow and gentle like in those old black and white movies. Instead it’s always forceful and urgent, and their hands are everywhere.

The funniest part about it is, before they make a move to start seriously rounding some bases, they always do a quick test-grab. It’s always really quick, so if I’m not receptive they can pretend like it was an accident. When they do that I always have to make a conscious effort not to laugh, because after they realize I’m willing, all pretense of respectability and restraint is abandoned.

And that’s what makes me the horniest of all.

Why can’t this be love, indeed.



The Problem With Being A Sex Object
October 26, 2007, 12:30 am
Filed under: dating, dirty, Life, love, Men, relationships, sex | Tags: , , , ,

It’s one thing to be a highdollar hot mess, but whoring yourself out to middle-aged, middle-class men…well that’s another thing entirely. Not that there’s anything wrong with middle-class (actually, fun little fact: your average construction worker hits it MUCH harder than your average comptroller), it’s just that if you sleep with wealthy men, at least when their girlfriends/wives/friends call you a slut, you can laugh as you wave goodbye to them in your brand new [insert luxury car brand here]. But if you sleep around with middle-class men you’re just a whore, and then how do you sleep at night? Or more importantly, how would I sleep at night? Plus, wealthy men are assholes and generally soul-less, thus making it virtually impossible to break their hearts. Middle-class men play hard, work hard, and fuck hard; real genuine people, so you can actually hurt them, something I would NOT want to do.

But mmmm, when a middle-class man really gets going, you won’t be able to walk the next day.



I am the beast, I’m untamed, I need a leash
October 25, 2007, 8:33 pm
Filed under: dating, games, Life, love, Men, sex | Tags: , , , ,

The general consensus seems to be that he’s intimidated. So I’m just going to take one giant step back and let him see how it feels to chase someone who is maddeningly aloof.

Oh, and I’m also going to make sure every outfit he sees me in is so traffic-stopping hot, it gives him blue balls.



Go to him now, he calls you, you can’t refuse
October 23, 2007, 12:58 am
Filed under: dating, Life, love, lust, relationships, sex | Tags: , , , , , ,

I want him. Badly. I want his lips on mine. I want his hands up my skirt. I want to feel him get hard through his jeans. I need it.

Very rarely do I actually pursue what I want. I let things happen to me. I let men choose me. I let relationships develop that I know won’t amount to much.

Well I’m done.

I’m done scheduling my day around hoping to catch a fleeting glimpse of him. I’m done with becoming incredibly depressed if he doesn’t wave to me when he drives by. I want a to get to know him better. I want a romantic relationship to develop between us. I want a sexual relationship to develop between us.

I’ve decided to just go for it. I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to do, but I’m going to do something. I’ve never made the first move before, and I’m scared as hell. But I’m more scared of standing on this street forever, waiting for the other guy to draw.

Dr. J is encouraging me. He thinks that maybe by taking the initiative for once, I’ll break the chain of destructive relationships.  He says the fact that I feel something different than I’ve ever felt before could be my subconscious telling me it’s time to end some of my emotional struggles…he must be almost done with his car payments or something.



The Kept Woman’s Drinking Game
October 22, 2007, 2:49 am
Filed under: dating, Life, love, lust, relationships, sex | Tags: , , , , ,

Here’s how you play:

Every time you drive the Bentley Continental GT Boyfriend #4 bought you to your bi-weekly shrink appointment; take a drink. 

Every time you have to send Lenny to go dust the Ferrari Spider F1 Boyfriend #2 bought you that hasn’t left it’s place in the garage since the day it was delivered; take a drink. [Every time you tell yourself that the only reason you’ve kept the car is so that you can surprise your brother with it on his 16th birthday next year and NOT because you feel like it’s some perverted love article; take another drink].

Every time you’re recognized in public and the person who recognizes you stops awkwardly right before they address you because they remember that your ex-boyfriend is back with his wife now and they aren’t sure if they should be talking to what was obviously his in-between-the-stages-of-life fling; take a drink.

Every time you spend another night alone with your two Blue Persians, Bruce and Demi, in your house that’s worth more than the GNP of some countries; take a drink. 

Every time you tell someone what your major(s) in college were and they laugh because they honestly can’t believe you’ve done anything even remotely intellectually stimulating a day in your life; take a drink. [Every time that someone who laughs is your boyfriend; take two drinks].

Every time you’re sitting in some ridiculously expensive restaurant, eating food you pretend to like but really can’t stand [you were raised on Hamburger Helper and Mac ‘n’ Cheese] and are telling yourself that this guy, the one right across from you, he’s it, he’s really the one; take a drink. [Every time “the one” tries to have sex with you immediately after having just broken things off; take another drink].

Every time you tell yourself that the way you relate to men has nothing to do with your relationship with your father; take a drink.

Every time you accidentally call the man you’re dating “Daddy”; take a drink.

Every time the man you’re dating asks you to call him “Daddy”; take a drink.

Every time the man you’re dating asks you to call him “Daddy” during sex; take two drinks.

Every time you agree to call the man you’re dating “Daddy” because it kind of turns you on; just go ahead and drain the bottle.



My Kingdom for What S. is Thinking

Was there a memo circulated on Understanding Men that I missed? Did I miss the meeting where they covered “Why He Hasn’t Asked For A Second Date Yet”? Or did the powers-that-be figure I’m such a lost cause they shouldn’t waste their materials on me? Why hasn’t he made a move? We had a great time October 9th…and I majored in Applied Mathematics so let’s see, carry the 1, THAT’S ALMOST TWO WEEKS! He sent me a text this past Wednesday asking me how my week was going; told me that he’s been really busy lately with work, kids, and firefighter stuff. Is that his way of semi-apologizing for dragging his feet with the second date? I mean he’s already told me he wants to get to know me better, and I told him that I was very interested too, so at least those cards are on the table…but he’s made absolutely NO PLANS to see me again, he hasn’t even dropped any hints! How long does a guy usually wait before he asks for a second date? In my experience, if he waits longer than 2 weeks, oh hell who am I kidding? I have no experience with normal relationships, I have no idea if things are progressing normally or not. It’s so frustrating! I hate that I’m so obsessed with him, but he has everything I’ve always wanted…I’m terrified I’m not good enough. Is he subtly trying to give me the brush-off? Or is he interested, and there’s just something else holding him back?