How You Doin’ Blondie?


A Near-Chuck Experience

My brother and his fellow Jarheads fucking love Chuck Norris. When he visited their base camp back in March, they all went positively apeshit. This past Saturday, my brother told me that there’s rumors circulating that Chuck Norris is going to be coming back in August. I think he almost wet his pants.

It’s difficult to see, but Chuck Norris is the one in the center, directly below the Marine with his arms in the air-

My brother is the one directly to the left of Chuck, clenching his fists. He explained that day to me as, “The best day of my fucking life. It’ll even be better then the birth of my firstborn.”

My brother also said that when Chuck Norris came, they showed him the “shrine” they’d built in his honor, complete with photos and Chuck Norris “Facts”:

Apparently, Norris literally laughed out loud when he read them. My personal favorites are as follows:

  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • There is no “ctrl” button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
  • Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ass.
  • Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
  • Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
  • Death once had a near-Chuck experience.
  • Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  • Chuck Norris does not know where you live. But he knows where you will die.
  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
  • Because “hunting” implies the possibility of failure, Chuck Norris goes “killing”.

And the one that I actually repeat in conversations with people:

“Chuck Norris knows that violence is not the answer. He gets it wrong on purpose.”

 

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