How You Doin’ Blondie?


In Possibly Related News…Part Deux
June 30, 2008, 9:38 pm
Filed under: Coping, Humor, Life, love | Tags: , , ,

I didn’t realize tattoo’s required a certain amount of reconnaissance. The first place I walked into today looked like the exercise yard at San Quentin.

NEXT.

The second place I walked into was being ruled by a short brunette with a Monroe piercing and a sleeve full of ink. The door had barely shut behind me before she barked, “We just opened, we’re not ready for customers.” I looked her dead in the eye and said, “You’re hard ass routine just lost you a sale,” and I walked right back out.

NEXT.

Third time’s the charm. Found a shop over on South Street in Old City, run by a group of guys who collectively strongly resemble My Chemical Romance. Their portfolio is pretty impressive, and they were incredibly genuine and friendly.

I have an appointment to go back tomorrow at 2 and do the deed.

I seriously have not been this excited since I won the bid for a new transmission switch for the Volvo on eBay Motors for like two thousand less than an OEM. Yeah. THAT excited.



In Possibly Related News…
June 29, 2008, 9:35 pm
Filed under: Humor, Latin, Life, Tattoo | Tags: , , ,

First tattoo tomorrow; the Latin word “Durus” down my spine – LA Gangster font.

I believe this officially makes me a tough guy.

I will be posting pictures.

durus
um| durior -or -us| durissimus -a -um ADJ
hardened| strong| enduring; resolute| durable|


Get Nasty

You know that old show, Touched By An Angel, with Della Reese and that woman that played Dr.Quinn Medicine woman? My favorite part was when the angel “revealed” themselves and there would be this soft yellow light falling on their shoulders and they’d say in this gentle, Dr.Phil-right-before-he-donkey-punches-you voice, “I, am an angel.”

Well The Nasty Boys of The Nasty Boys Sports Blog tagged me, and the whole experience reminded me (for whatever fucking WEIRD reason) of being touched by an angel, only a different kind of angel…the kind of angel that paints letters on his naked chest at home football games…the kind of angel that stands vigilant beside you at every pre-game party, just in case you need help with that keg stand…

But I digress.

The Nasty Boys tagged me in keeping (loosely) with the rules of a challenge issued to write ones own life memoir in six words. The complete rules of this challenge are as follows:

  1. Write your own six word memoir
  2. Post it in your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.
  3. Link to the person who tagged you in their post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere.
  4. Tag 5 more blogs with links.
  5. Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.

As for my contribution – a picture’s worth a thousand…right? My six words of genius are as follows:

 Truth be told, I would have used this as my memoir even if it hadn’t met the six-word requirement.

 

You’re turn:



Memo:
June 25, 2008, 5:44 pm
Filed under: Humor, Life | Tags: ,



Remember “Growing Pains”…
June 23, 2008, 2:09 pm
Filed under: Humor, Life | Tags: ,

…that late 80’s/early 90’s sitcom about The Seavers? This guy reminds me of Ben Seaver [Jeremy Miller] when he got older and started sporting glasses and a shag haircut.

And yes, that is the only thing that this makes me think of, and yes, I have been told I watch too much television.



The quickest way to a man’s heart…
June 23, 2008, 2:05 pm
Filed under: dating, Humor, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , , ,

…is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

But that won’t be necessary; I’m not particularly upset that he didn’t call.

Right.



Analyze This
June 15, 2008, 10:23 pm
Filed under: advice, dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , , ,

Mark and I went out on our third date on Friday night. At least, I think it was a date. Regardless, we spent time with each other for the third time since he made that first clear move by asking me for my phone number. So for all intents and purposes, it was a date. Although I think it was also one of those “tests” guys administer, like the “See if My Boys Like Her” test.

We spent the evening bar-hopping with the two men Mark has been friends with since childhood, and then we went for a drunken, late-night swim in one of said childhood friends’ pool. I’m pretty sure everything went well. I mean I was “one of the boys” in high school, I know how they think, it’s not hard to fit in with them. Add to that the fact that Mark’s friends’ are pretty cool guys, and I’m pretty sure everything went well.

So what I am obsessing over? Why, I’m so glad you asked.

At the end of the night Mark and I went back to his house, and we did what most inebriated, physically compatible people do. Still no home-runs, but definitely a solid triple.

Well actually, only one of us got to third base…the other one of us has only made it to first.

One of us was pleasured orally, for a long time.

After one of us came from said pleasure, one of us tried to return the favor, but was politely rebuffed with an, “I like to take things slow, it’s a trust issue. I just want to hold you right now.”

Guess who got politely rebuffed, folks?

Yes, that’s right, it was me, I was the one…I’ll give you a second to digest that.

Now do you see what I’m obsessing over? Never in my life have I had a man turn down a blow job…at least not without a hand job to stand in it’s place. Mark wanted NOTHING. He REALLY DID just hold me and gently kiss my face until we fell asleep.

So ever since Friday night, I’ve been obsessing over that incident. Did I do something wrong? Why didn’t he want me to touch him? He was completely naked, just like me, and the lights were out (which is another thing – I couldn’t see a mother fucking thing. I usually leave the lights on, but he turned every single damn one of them off), so what possible insecurity could there be left?

He can’t POSSIBLY be concerned about penis size, does he REALLY think I’m expecting Magic Johnson?

But if he’s not insecure, what is it? He certainly isn’t conservative…holy shit, or is he? He told me he was incredibly “Straight Edge” in high school – but we’ve never discussed anything like religion or faith. He swears, and he drinks, so how overtly moral can he be?

I can’t help but think, though, that I’ve done something wrong. We went out on Friday night, and I haven’t heard from him since. That fact in itself doesn’t necessarily alarm me, it was Father’s Day weekend, I do know he had plans to go to the shore. But there is a tiny part of me that is slightly concerned I’ve scared him off, or intimidated him in some way. He seemed just fine Saturday morning, but still…

Seriously guys, I need some input on this one. PLEASE.

 



Number of the Beast
June 10, 2008, 7:38 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

So he says to me, “Give me a call and maybe we can hang out this week, cook some steaks, have a few beers.”

So I called. Got the voicemail.

Of course.

I really get tired of waiting by the phone.



I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening…
June 7, 2008, 9:57 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, Pain, relationships | Tags: , , , , ,

…but this wasn’t it.

I am sorely tempted to just call Mark and cancel.

My heart is just not that into it.

The truth is, I’m angry.

I’m angry at myself, for the situations I put myself in.

I’m angry at the way I allow myself to be treated.

I’m angry that even cockroaches can have kids, yet I sit here with no children, no mate, my only company an aging, insolent, overweight dog.

I am angry that I always seem to find the greatest joys in my life a day late and a dollar mother fucking short.

I’m just angry.



To The Dogs [Update 8:57 PM Eastern Standard Time]
June 7, 2008, 8:57 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

Well, it wasn’t a phone call, it was a text, but it’ll do.

To be frank, I think he was probably under the assumption I was out of his league. There is a very real possibility he was scared shitless at the thought of calling me.

I can deal with that. As long as I got a date [sort of] out of the deal.

But now I have another problem,

what the fuck am I going to wear?



To The Dogs [Updated 5:10 PM Eastern Standard Time]
June 7, 2008, 5:10 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

 

 

He did not call.

 

 



To The Dogs [Updated 1:34 PM Eastern Standard Time]
June 7, 2008, 1:34 pm
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

Still no call from Mark.

He specifically suggested we get together Saturday afternoon.

Is 1:30 pm not “afternoon”?

Was I supposed to call him, maybe?



To The Dogs
June 7, 2008, 9:45 am
Filed under: dating, Life, Men, relationships | Tags: , , ,

I met a guy a couple nights ago, while I was out walking Cody.

Well, actually, I’d met him twice before, but he hadn’t made a “move” until this most recent encounter.

The first time I met him I actually walked away from the experience thinking he must be gay, since I didn’t catch him looking at my tits even once.

Apparently, I was wrong.

A couple nights ago when we ran into each other, he walked me back to my house, asked me for my phone number, and suggested on Saturday we take the dogs over to Freedom Park, a dog run in a neighboring town. He said he’d give me a call to firm up plans.

I had assumed he’d probably call Friday night, but he didn’t. Now it’s Saturday morning, and I’m lying in bed next the phone wondering how this is going to play out.

I’ve given my number to guys before and they’ve never called, but that comes with the territory. Most men just want the number so that later on, when they’re out with their friends, if they can’t point to me and say, “I banged her”, they can at least point and say, “She gave me her number.”

But this guy, Mark, he seems different.

Fuck. I hate feeling like a pathetic loser, waiting by the phone.



Lonely Are The Brave

I was in my car today when I heard the opening chords for the Eagles’ “Desperado” playing on the radio. It’s always been one of my favorite songs, primarily because I so closely identify with the sentiment (even more so, lately).

So I turned up the volume and started to sing along, and by the time I got to the last verse, my eyes were watery and I felt a little bit sick to my stomach (a symptom indicitive of sadness, for me).

Then I looked in my review mirror and saw this chiseled guy with a crew cut, behind the wheel of an F-350, also singing along to a song that he obviously felt perfectly illustrated the complexities of his interpersonal relationships.

And that’s when I realized I must’ve looked pretty fucking gay at the stoplight, staring forlornly off into the distance, mournfully crooning, “Your prison is walking through this world all alone. Oh, Desperado…”

Pre-tty fuc-king gay.

 

They obviously do it better.



Blue Steel
June 3, 2008, 10:42 pm
Filed under: Humor, Images, Life, Loves, Pets | Tags: , , , ,

“There’s got to be more to life then just being really, really, ridiculously good looking.”



Death Wish VI
June 2, 2008, 3:24 pm
Filed under: Humor, Images, Life, Teenagers | Tags: , , ,

I was sitting on my front porch reading a book, and I guess the high school let out early or something because I see walking down the sidewalk a group of about 10 teenage boys. Well actually, I heard them before I saw them. They were posturing like teenage boys do, so before they were even in my line of sight I could hear, “What the FUCK man – FUCK YOU – She’s FUCKING hot,” and so on and so forth.

It was like watching an exhibit at the zoo or something.

When they made it to the sidewalk directly across the street, I watched them start to rough house. One boy pushed another one so violently he went flying like 20 yards to the left into someone’s flower garden. Instinctively identifying an opportunity to be violent, two other boys in the group stomped their way into the flower garden with the obvious intention of giving their friend a good natured pummeling. Then, out of nowhere, I hear, “HEY, GET OUT OF MY GARDEN.” I look down the street and there’s this short, fat, white lady almost working herself up into a annuerism over the kids in her garden. Well the boys disinterestedly roused themselves from the garden, and in keeping with their general attitude, one them must of muttered something rude as they were retreating. Next thing I know, this tiny little Keebler elf bellows, “WHAT did you just say?” To which one of the boys in the group responded,  “It’s just a fucking flower garden lady…” The woman attempted to respond, but the group effectively drownerd her out with a chorus of, “Fuck YOU lady, blah blah blah.”

Now here’s the thing: first of all, her flowers weren’t that badly damaged. I mean, it’s not like they went in there with a backhoe for crying out loud. Additionally, they didn’t enter her flower garden with the explicit intention of defacing her property – they were just being rowdy, oblivious teenage boys. The problem I have is with their attitude. Whatever happened to respecting your fucking elders? Yeah, the lady might’ve been crabby, but who the fuck did those kids think they were talking back to her like that? If my dad had ever heard either of us kids ever address an adult like that, we wouldn’t have sat down for a week, easily. I’m sick of this insolent attitude from kids today, this idea that they know everything and fuck anybody over the age of 17. I’m sick of parents who throw up their hands and say, “Jimmy is just too out of control, I don’t know what to do!” Kick Jimmy’s ass, that’s what you do. Tell Jimmy that if he pulls some shit like that again, your foot will be so far up his ass he’ll be able to taste it. And if he does it again, make good on your promise.

Because I’ll tell you what, when I reach the age where teenage boys stop thinking I’m hot, I’m going to wind up putting up with their garden-trampling bullshit too, and I’m not as forgiving as most. Picture: Charles Bronson for the female set.