How You Doin’ Blondie?

The Bonfire of the Vanities
May 27, 2008, 3:23 pm
Filed under: Life, love, Men, Reality, relationships, sex | Tags: , , , , ,

I went to lunch today with my friends, and I seriously thought it would never end. It was torturous. My friends are all beautiful and successful, but they can’t seem to cultivate a healthy relationship with a decent man to save their lives. Of course, I can’t either, but I know this, I’ve accepted this. They, on the other hand, insist on blaming their failed relationships on male incompetence.

 Well today I finally had it up to here. I decided I was sick and tired of listening to them sit around and complain about being single, and double standards, and how men just don’t understand, and all that “female empowerment” bullshit…So I decided to offer my humble advice and said;

“Look, guess what, ladies? Men are not that complicated. 99.9% of the time, you’re the one who fucks things up. So check this out:

 If you don’t want him to treat you like a slut, don’t sleep with him on the first date.

If you don’t want him to tell you your ass is big, don’t ask how you look in those hot shorts.

If you don’t want him to check out your hot friends, don’t invite us over. Or get uglier friends.

If you don’t want him to cheat on you, find out what the fuck it is he’s not getting from you, and give it to him.

And also, ladies, while I’m at it, those women’s magazines you read? Ditch ’em. Don’t believe the hype – you’re not as great as you think you are.”

Picture, if you will, a turd in the town well. That is how it went over. So fuck them. I like hanging out with the angry old men at my local dive bar more anyway…at least those guys don’t buy me drinks with fucking fruit in them.

30 Comments so far
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One of the central themes of the School of Wife Management was this: show me a hot chick and I will show you a guy tired of fucking her.

Women are inherently drawn to guys that will fuck them in the ass, and then fuck them over. Why? I don’t know. I have been bad guy, good guy, bad guy and good guy again. All in 15 years.

I got laid much more when I was bad.

But it wasn’t worth it.

Blondie, your advice was dead-on. Which makes me think that you, maybe, have a penis.

Comment by finkenwalde

Also – how are these bitches considered “friends”?

Comment by finkenwalde

Ummmm, she may. Is that really a picutre of her or a former girlfriend?

Comment by Tim

No, I do not have a penis. I do not even have any RUBBER penis’ (I’m not much into self-service). I’m just a misogynist, that’s all 😉

Which begs the question: “If you’re so in tune with guys, why are you still single?”

Sigh. I have no idea.

Comment by How You Doin Blondie

Wellllllllll, lay off the laying! Hold out until Marriage! Did I say that? That will weed out the wiennies. If he’s still interested after 6 months, you have a good one!

Comment by Tim

Somehow the women I know, even obliquely, who are the most understanding of men and their psychological makeup do end up alone. And, all respect to Mr. Tim, it has nothing to do with the willingness to hold out. It has everything to do with being intelligent.

All of the smart women I know are single – with a few notable exceptions. And they are single because they refuse to back down, play dumb or, to put it crassly, be a bitch.

So, the advice I would give as the Dean of the School of Wife Management?

Stop being so god damn smart.

Comment by finkenwalde

And I meant “be a bitch” in the refuse-to-lay-down-and-get-their-belly-scratched sense of the word. Not in the Hillary Clinton, Iron-balls-dyke meaning of the word.

Real women do not compromise. Ever. That is what makes them who they are.

Comment by finkenwalde

You know Tim, I’m not sure absitence is the answer – I do think sexual activity is a very important part of any healthy relationship. But I also think you’re right to some degree, there IS a cetain amount of waiting that should go into any legitimate relationship…

Comment by How You Doin Blondie

And Fink, to steal your expression – that analysis seems to be dead on balls accurate. Which is slightly depressing, to be perfectly honest…does that mean that my two options are either marry a dumbass or die alone with like 11 cats?

Sigh. Here kitty, kitty…

But you know, you don’t strike me as the type that would put up with ineptitude to much of a degree either – and you’ve been married for – what did I read? 15 years? So what attracted you to your wife? What made you think “She’s the one”?

Comment by How You Doin Blondie

True Blondie, “some” waiting is good… 🙂

Oh yea, activity is good and should get better with time!

Smart women are GREAT – would MUCH rather have a smart one anyday…………..

Comment by Tim

My wife and I met when I was 16. So I guess you could argue that I never had another choice. I spent years abroad (after 9-11 I spent 20 months at home in 6 years). And in that time I went to the clubs. I trolled the internet. I did a whole lot of things I wish I hadn’t.

But in the end I came to believe that the life you build is worth keeping. No matter what.

And I am no saint. I have fucked around. Emotionally and more. But nothing is ever as sexy as the woman who bears your child.

And anyone who says otherwise is a closet homosexual.

Comment by finkenwalde

That’s so sweet Fink, the bad boy who ultimately came home to roost.

Comment by How You Doin Blondie

Here Kitty Kitty, Here Puss Puss. works for me.

Comment by theroadnow

Got it licked!

Comment by Tim

Really liked this post! A womans’ perspective and intuition are more times than not quite accurate. I’ll check back occasionally.

Comment by palegrayforguilt

i love that you aren’t a man basher. you just keep getting more awesomer. 🙂

Comment by elisabeth82

Like greatly more awesomer. 😉

Comment by Tim

I’m sick of my own shit.

Comment by Joe

You shouldn’t be eating it then…

Comment by Tim

Well, this is a pleasant surprise…thanks for letting me know I’m not going off half-cocked on something, guys (which in this sense, although not strictly anatomically correct, includes Elisabeth).

Comment by How You Doin Blondie

I wasn’t talking to you Tim.

Comment by Joe

Easy does it guys. Nothing’s sadder then a blog fight.

And I caught your drift, Joe.

Comment by How You Doin Blondie

I’m not a fighter, blog or otherwise.

Comment by Joe

I know, Joe. 🙂

I don’t fight either…

Comment by Tim

I am a Lover. I need someone here to Love !!!! 🙂

Plus, I am sore from cutting & hauling all of that wood……..

Comment by Tim

Blog fight…that’s interesting….

My take on this post is that it is a two way street….give and take if you will…and of course some dreaded communication..even if all that is being said is here kitty kitty.

Comment by theroadnow

The word “Pathetic” still comes to mind!

Comment by palegrayforguilt

The thing that people should keep in mind, is that the one thing in common, in all your failed relationships is…..


Comment by razzbuffnik

Well put, my good man. Nice and full o’ despair 😉

Comment by How You Doin Blondie

Wow, this post and all the comments have made me hungry for lunch. Anyone know of any ladies who also like to have lunch and are into man-bashing? I’d like to meet them!

There is NO such thing as the right or perfect mate. The concept does not exist. The best we can all do is to find the closest compatible person we can find. And whether we like it or not, we must change ourselves to meet our mates half way.

I’ve been married 11 years and love my wife. I do rag on her and there are many, many things about her that drive me nuts (and vise versa) but, at the end of the day, we’re both happier with each other than without.

Comment by jmjorat

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