How You Doin’ Blondie?


You Got To Make That Money, Honey.

Another little fun discovery: the phrase  “assholes ‘men relationships’ ” returns my blog.

Why would you enter those words, in that order, into a search engine? What are you hoping to discover? That you’re not alone? That there are other women who think that the men they are engaged in relationships with believe their partners are assholes too?

Honey, that’s a given.

What you should have entered, instead of “assholes ‘men relationships'”, is “assholes ‘gifts he gives'”. Because all men are assholes, and all men know it. So it’s not about whether or not your man is an ass, it’s whether or not you make him pay for it. If he crushes your soul on a weekly basis and you’re not walking away with a minimum of 10,000 a month in un-taxable income, that relationship just isn’t working, sweetheart.



Familiarity Breeds Contempt
November 21, 2007, 12:24 am
Filed under: dating, Life, love, lust, Men, Reflections, relationships, sex, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , ,

      “And when you were done, you actually felt a little guilty, even you. You looked at her (she looked right back, looked right into your eyes with your cock still inside her, with arms still around your shoulders, looked right into your eyes and shoved her hips forward and when you nearly collapsed because she did that, when your knees nearly gave out because you were so sensitive, she opened her mouth wide and laughed a hard, happy laugh, smiling and snarling all at once, all with her mouth open wide) you looked at her and thought, ‘This girl has a problem. This girl is addicted to sex. This girl likes fucking strange men and if she gets paid for it, so much the better.’ You looked at her and thought, ‘This girl was probably repeatedly molested when she was a child.'”

      “And that time and the last time, after you were done, again the guilt came back, the concern for her. Yes, concern. But then you put your hand on the bone of her hip, saw the curve of her ribs on her side beneath her right breast, saw the back of her knee, and you had to have her again. And every time you reach over to take her again, she laughs that laugh, that cold, hard, satisfied laugh.”

      “When she leaves the next morning, sore, walking carefully, her pussy like a wound, you give her double what you agreed on. You do it because she was good, because she earned it, but also because you wanted to make her life better. Because you do feel sorry for her. But when she takes the money, she is not surprised that you have given her twice what she was supposed to get. She doesn’t even think you’ve made a mistake.”

Kelman, Nic. Girls. 1st ed. Boston: Little Brown, 2003.



Ill-equipped to Act, Indeed
November 19, 2007, 11:26 am
Filed under: Life, Music, Reflections, relationships, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , ,

It’s funny that a free on-line forum has done more for me in the area of introspection than almost a decade of expensive, time-consuming therapy.

Living on a lighted stage
Approaches the unreal
For those who think and feel
In touch with some reality
Beyond the gilded cage

Cast in this unlikely role
Ill-equipped to act
With insufficient tact
One must put up barriers
To keep oneself intact

Living in the limelight
The universal dream
For those who wish to seem
Those who wish to be
Must put aside the alienation
Get on with the fascination
The real relation
The underlying theme

Living in a fish eye lens
Caught in the camera eye
I have no heart to lie
I can’t pretend a stranger
Is a long-awaited friend

All the world’s indeed a stage
And we are merely players
Performers and portrayers
Each another’s audience
Outside the gilded cage.

 



verb; it’s what you do
November 18, 2007, 2:02 am
Filed under: Life, love, relationships, sex, thoughts | Tags: , , , ,

rape verb 1. destroy and strip of its possessions. 

I couldn’t figure out why I cried all the way home, didn’t understand why I drove myself to the Emergency Room (but couldn’t bring  myself to get out of the car). Thought it was strange that I texted my closest friend and told her I’d made a big mistake, that I’d done things I didn’t want to do. Thought it even stranger that I looked up what to do in the event that one engages in unprotected, non-consensual sex.

Then I realized, he raped me. I just couldn’t bring myself to admit it. I always talk about how I enjoy being objectified and degraded, but now I think I was confusing terms. I enjoy being desired and lusted after, but I don’t enjoy being forced and hurt.

He made me bleed, cry, and doubt myself. Now I feel scared, violated, AND

truly degraded.

Guess I got what I always wanted.



Trophy Girlfriend 101
November 17, 2007, 7:50 pm
Filed under: Life, love, lust, Men, relationships, sex, thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , ,

“She gives you a ring or a bracelet that says ‘Peace,’ or, ‘Dream more.’ And you wear it. You wear it even though your friends see it and say, ‘What the hell is that?’ and, embaressed, because you know exactly how ridiculous it is, you say, ‘She gave it to me,’ and then they say ‘Oh,’ and leave it at that because now it makes it sense. Yes, you wear it all the time. But you know it will not work. That is what she is for.”

 

Kelman, Nic. Girls. 1st ed. Boston: Little Brown, 2003.



What A Rip Off

I only got enough money out of him to reimburse me for the cab ride and cover the emergency contraceptive I had to buy.

What part of “Sugar Daddy” did he not understand?

I hang on your arm, make you look good, act like you’re a sex god, you buy me things! This is not a difficult concept! Her name was Anna Nicole Smith, google her!



That Train Is Never Late
November 14, 2007, 5:01 pm
Filed under: Electra Complex, Life, Psychoanlysis, Reflections, relationships, thoughts | Tags: , , , ,

Today he led me back to his office and when we were settled, he leaned towards me and said very somberly, “We have to talk.” He told me that he’s come to the realization that there’s nothing he can do for me. He said professionally, medically, ethically; he knows there’s something wrong, something he should weed out and fix. But personally, when he analyzes me on a purely human to human level, he doesn’t see much point or probability in change. He told me that, quite simply, he just go to me too late. He said that I know I make unhealthy decisions, and that what throws him is that I know why I make them too. He said I really do his job for him, and he said that it’s for that reason that I had probably already drawn the conclusion he was about to make. He said I was more then welcome to continue with our sessions, but he couldn’t let me go on unless he was sure I knew it was an exercise in futility.

His seriousness was so charming, I didn’t tell him he’s just another notch on my belt.